The Curmudgeon does not understand why this is so difficult.

Curmudgeon, what is best in life?

You make food? You salt it. Properly.

You make bread? Baked goods? You add that teaspoon of salt the recipe calls for. Seriously, you’re worried about your sodium intake from that tiny little bit of salt that you’re putting in an entire cake? Instead of the mounds of sugar and fat that goes into it and the frosting? Welcome to Gullible Town, population: you. You’ve been had by an idiotic and useless nutrition industry that keeps you fearful by inventing a new thing to worry about every month.

Salt, believe it or not, is something your body needs. You can actually die from too little of it. This has happened to idiot celebrities on trendy fad “cleanse” diets that have you completely cut out salt and drink gallons of fluid a day. Idiots.

If you avoid nasty-ass vaguely food-like substances such as McDonald’s, you won’t eat too much salt.

If you refrain from cooking with nasty-ass vaguely food-like substances such as Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, you won’t eat too much salt.

There, are you happy? Now you can eat salt. You can make food taste like food. Seriously, what were you thinking, trying to make mashed potatoes without salt? Bread without salt: why bother? It’s like chewing on a lusciously soft pillow of cardboard. Mmm-mmm.

Eggs. Why on God’s green earth would you not salt your eggs? And why do even restaurants not understand this? The Curmudgeon has been disappointed by unsalted (not just under-salted, but we-were-up-late-last-night-drinking-and-forgot-to-cook-these-properly unsalted) at supposedly fine breakfast establishments like Noshville. Even Asheville, NC’s famous Tupelo Honey restaurant tried to get away with serving The Curmudgeon completely and utterly unsalted eggs.

This, boys and girls, should be a felony.

Salt is what Tom Colicchio will send you home for more than any other mistake. Salt made the world’s economies go ’round. And you want to avoid it because some two-bit poindexter in a lab coat who barely even has taste buds of his own and doesn’t understand that food and nutrition can’t be broken down into a few basic chemical components told you it made some rats sick after he pumped them full of twice their body weight in salt?

You disgust The Curmudgeon.

Of course, there is a deft balance of the white powder of the gods. It is certainly possible to have too much of a good thing. Do you salt your food before even tasting it? Yeah, that’s grade-A douchebaggery right there. It’s an insult to your host/chef/spouse/alien cooking slave/etc. You, right there! Yeah, you, reading this blog on your iPad. Put the salt shaker down. The restaurant already salted that steak.

Seriously, people, this isn’t rocket science. The Curmudgeon’s four-year-old daughter understands how salt makes things good. Why doesn’t everyone?


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