You know what The Curmudgeon has never experienced? The Curmudgeon has never woken up one morning and suddenly had the urge to eat cardboard. Perhaps this is unusual, but somehow The Curmudgeon doubts this. (Granted, The Curmudgeon has never experienced pregnancy.) And yet, countless people around the country make this exact decision every single day.
This disturbs and confuses The Curmudgeon.
On the one hand, a cake maker can choose to frost with butter cream, the delectably light and wonderful confection that can bring grown men to tears and a single taste of which once brought a cat back from the dead. (This is true.)1 The Curmudgeon would gladly lick butter cream off the nipples of nearly any woman in the area.
On the other hand, a cake maker can choose form over function, and use rolled fondant. Fondant can be formed into interesting shape, but has the (some would say) minor drawback of tasting like sugar and warthog rectum. Sweetened warthog rectum, as you can probably imagine, is not something that The Curmudgeon considers nipple-worthy.2
The worst part about fondant is that, despite its completely unappetizing profile, it still contains plenty of calories. Not only does one miss out on the lip-smacking3 deliciousness of butter cream, the calories themselves are still present! This is an insult to all that cake-lovers hold dear.
And to what end do cake-makers willingly make this sacrifice? To manipulate their cakes into tortured shapes not resembling anything in what The Curmudgeon would consider cake shape, often lopping off large sections of otherwise perfectly usable cake to achieve their goals. This waste of succulent baked goods is anathema to all that The Curmudgeon holds dear. Honestly, do such cakes even look appetizing? Compare a wonderfully layered traditional cake, laden with butter cream
And yet, they do. Is it out of ignorance? Fear that the Baker’s Guild may send Guido over to break their kneecaps? We may never know.
This is why The Curmudgeon household has a strict No Fondant policy, one that Mrs. Curmudgeon is all to happy to adhere to.4 Cardboard, despite its many uses, is not welcome at the table.
- This is not true. [↩]
- Note that The Curmudgeon excludes the whipped shortening frosting favored by commercial and grocery bakeries for its cost and stability from this discussion altogether. It is horrible and beneath contempt of Publix/Kroger/etc. to foist such an atrocity upon an unwitting public. The Curmudgeon shall not speak of such horrible things any further. [↩]
- or nipple-smacking [↩]
- Really, how would you lick fondant off of a nipple, anyway? [↩]